Incoherently unsophisticated

In The End, There Can Be Only One

2006-05-31T20:12:00.000-05:00

I happened to notice a commercial the other day for Lucky Charms. Other than being all CGI now, it was pretty much the same Lucky Charms commercial from whan I was a kid. Until the end. Where they showed the different "flavors" of Lucky Charms. Apparently now they have Berry Lucky Charms and Chocolate Lucky Charms.

My question to you: When did Lucky the Leprechaun defeat and consume the powers of Frankenberry and Count Chocula??

Is that what happened to Boo Berry, and the Cookie Crook? What about the Honey Smacks frog? Are the old cereal mascots meeting each other in dimly lit parking decks with samurai swords?

If so, my money's on the Cap'n

Shafted

2006-03-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

Chef just got shafted. Apparently, the supplier of the voice of Chef, on South Park, is bailing out. He's had enough. Was it Mr. Hanky? no. Masterbaiting a dog? no. Making fun of scientology? Whoa. Stop right there. That's crossing a line mr, and there's no coming back.

Out of all of that, I feel the most sorry for Chef. Because you just know he's going to be taking it in the ass for this one. This is exactly the kind of thing that the makers of South Park like to make fun of, and there's blood in the water. Look for one of the first episodes of the new season to be make Token's name a little more truthful. And for Chef to have something really horrible happen to him.

And I hate computers. Just so you know. Between work and gradschool, I have come to loathe the very things that bring me employment. I can't even play a good computer game anymore. Hopefully my blogging will pick back up, and not continue to suffer.

The Dragonball-Z Effect

2006-02-28T19:31:00.000-05:00

I am going to be hard pressed to recall where I heard this one. Maybe one of my friends, thoguh some quick googling shows that it was most likely somewhere online. What it boils down to is when a TV show, or story ends up all out of proportion as time goes on. Now, I've seen Dragonball-Z exactly once. Not large for the anime. But that's just me. Apparently, the characters in this show started out at one power level and by the end of it were so ridiculously (thank you spellcheck) powerful that they could have destroyed the universe.

But you can see this same sort of effect in any show that has lingered long past its shelflife. It's easiest to see it Sci-Fi, but I'm sure it would be relevant in just about any genre. Any show that thinks they have to be exponentially funnier or cooler than the previous episode/season. Iron Chef could suffer from this: "Last week the secret ingredient was halibut. This week its squid ink. Next week, the ingredient is an egg from a Dodo bird". Or that crazy show Wife Swap. "Last time we swapped a neat freak with a slob. This week we're swapping a practicing Wiccan with an insane religous fundamentalist who faintly resembles the bus driver from South Park."

The two shows that I watch that are suffering from the Dragonball-Z effect are Stargate SG-1, and Charmed.

Stargate started out with a ragtag Air Force outfit trying to explore the galaxy through an alien (sorta) device. They piss off technologically advanced alien parasites who pretend to be gods. They start off by merely averting the distruction of earth a couple times. Then they took out the one of the more annoying aliens. Fine. I could still believe that. Later they had to fight little machines that can make more of themselves and are hell bent on the destruction of the galaxy. Plus a whole cavalcade of these powerful aliens. Okay, I'm still on board. Then? Then came the powerful alien that was half accended to a higher plane. Hmmm....umm...okay I suppose. And now? Now they are fighting a group of fully accended beings who have ruled over a neighboring galaxy with an iron fist, draining their worshipers life forces to increase their own power. Yeah, you've lost me there. Sorry. Good luck with that though.

Now Charmed. Poor Charmed. They've what? Destroyed the Source of All Evil. Twice. Beat a super powerful demon turned god thing. The Titans. Not the ones from Tennessee, the ones that Zeus had to cast out. Plus a council of aforementioned god things. Need I continue? Oh! And this season they introduced a new character to try to revitalize the show. A blond college age demon hunter witch. Who we've just found out has a sister. A sister that is the "key". The "key" to ultimate power. Hmm. Now where have I heard that before?

I realize that the Simpsons have done everything, but could ya at least pretend to try?

Sure, I'll Share the Road. I'll also Share My Foot In Your Ass

2006-02-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

Cyclists. You know who I'm talking about. Captain Spandex and his alien-carapice looking helmet. The guy who's all the way over on the right side of the road, but still taking up enough space that you can't pass him. Oh, and did I forget to mention he's doing about 15mph in a 45mph zone????? Look, I'm all cool with the idea of cycling. It's great exercise. God knows I can't throw stones since my usual exercise involves riding the elevator. If you want to play dress up and put on a space suit and go ride your bike. Fine. Seriously, fine.

But.

Do you think, maybe...just maybe you could, oh I don't know, AVOID major surface streets at 530pm?? Fucking A people. And for that matter, Fucking B. If you can't even manage a substantial FRACTION of the speed limit, mayhaps you should find a different road.

Oh, oh, and what's really aggrevating is when you finally, finally manage to get past him, and speeding down the road you hit a red light. Boom. This gives him a chance to catch up. And what does he do?? He scoots by all the cars and goes to the front, thus forcing everyone to go slow again. Like Justice League rejects who decide that if they can't get the job fighting crime, they'll do the next best thing. Be a pace car.

Work + School == Grumpy

2006-02-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

So I haven't blogged for a while. As has been pointed out to my by friends. (ahem Shanshu) For that I am very sorry :(. We've been stressing to reach a surprise deadline at work. This means I worked lots of extra hours, including fscking Saturday, getting home at freaking midnight one night. Oh, and I'm also in grad school. So for a while it was get home at 10pm, do school work til 3am, rinse repeat. Most of the time I would think "ooo, i've got to blog about that" but then I see my computer sitting there. Glowing at me. And I hate it. Cuz I work with them all freaking day.

And What Did We Learn Today?

2006-02-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

Two-fer tuesday!

I'm a big fan of no day is wasted if you learn something especially if you are able to use it. Plus I read/watch a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. Which of course everyone knows to be a horrible waste of time that would be better spent reading War and Peace, The Great Gatsby et al. Except that I have managed to find nice little nuggets of information in those such things.

Waaay back in the day, the morning before the SATs, I learned what the word "potentate" was, and it helped me on that test that very day. In one of those "x is to y as z is to ____" questions. Where did I learn this?? Reading the comics. Calvin and Hobbes to be exact.

While reading "Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers" I learned that the phrase "Mayday!" for when your plane is going down, actually comes from french: "m'aidez". Which is "help me".

Today at work I got to use the word "laconic" which I learned from Buffy, to describe a coworker that doesn't like to spend time explaining things. Using exotic verbage in front of your boss is a good thing it seems.

Sadly, I can't think of anything else, though I know I have more examples.

Join the Throng

2006-02-13T20:03:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is of course, Valentines Day. A day where women are authorized to hold your penis hostage. Usually the negotiated release price is a card (fuck you hallmark), flowers, chocolate and a nice (read: expensive) meal. Depending on your girl, sometimes the price is less, or in rare cases more. Thankfully, my sweetie lets me off with a card and a nice meal. Card on Valentines day, and meal either on the 7th or 21st. Because she's awesome enough to realize it's an arbitrary day, and this way we aren't waiting for 3.5 hours to get dinner.

So today I joined the throng of men looking through the card (fuck you hallmark) section of the local drugstore. The biggest problem is that 97.667% of all Valentines Day cards are over the top. I mean WAY over the top. Like suborbital over the top. I prefer a card that has maybe some little humor to it. But for the most part you find something like:

To my eternal love: My love for you knows no depths, an undying flame that shines brightly through all the obsticles we've had to face. My love will continue to burn unending even through unyielding prose.

Honestly, even if you might feel that way who wants to read something so trite?? Because ladies, that ain't us. You'll find about 1 in 10000 guys who might feel okay orating like that, and most of those will be spending more time daydreaming about your girlfriends new hunk than you.

So, to sum up, fuck you hallmark, and good luck everyone getting your penis back.

Tales from the crypt

2006-02-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

So, it's becoming exceedingly difficult for my whole blog thing to not turn from "my random musings" to "excessive rants from a disaffected software engineer". So I will instead leave you with this:

Everyone I know was comparing their list of favorite Superbowl commercials. No one was talking about the game, or anything other than the commercials. Fine. We're all capitalisms little bitches anyway. But what interested me more than anything was the half time show. I mean, damn. Despite the obvious problems stemming from advancing age, it was facinating. I'm not a Stones fan, but they are far cooler at 63 than I ever will be. And if you can still rock when you become a senior citizen and beyond, more power too you.

That being said. Does anyone else get a creepy when-was-the-last-time-someone-saw-them-in-daylight vibe from them?? Sometimes I think it's better to burn out than fade away, or fall apart. It's starting to get kinda disturbing. Maybe something like this:

(voice): Who disturbs my slumber?.
(roady #1): Um, m..my lord. They wish you to do a performance.
(voice): Do they? Tell me more of this performance.
(roady #1): It's at what they call the "Super Bowl" in the New World. A sporting
event of sorts. You are wanted to entertain the crowd when the athletes rest.
(voice): I see. And will there be girls throwing panties like in olden times?
(roady #1): It will be arranged.
(roady #2): But, sir, it's in the States.
(roady #1 glaring): It will be arranged.
(roady #2): But, sir, the censors, Janet....
(roady #1 now furious): If the master wishes it, it shall be arranged!
(voice chuckling): Very well. But first Mick Jagger must feed!
(roady #2): Aaaggngngnngggg..gug..

I still wish I could be that much of a badass at their age!

Quick!

2006-02-06T11:24:00.000-05:00

Quick, without looking it up or asking your neighbor, name the 5 members of Scooby-Doo.

I'll even give you one: Scooby-Doo.

Violation!

2006-01-31T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid I must report a severe violation of the man code. It happened just a few days ago, and I can only just now muster up the strength to speak of it.

Me and two of my co-workers were in the lab. One of them, who's name I shall hide to protect his shame, suddenly turned to me and the other co-worker and said, and I shit you not, "So, did you guys see the Oprah..." And I have no idea what he said after that. My incredulity circuits overloaded and I think I blacked out. When I came to, he was babbling about the bird flu or something.

Needless to say we've taken proactive action and suspended his man card until he's watched 2 seasons of South Park (or equivalent) and then he's on probation for 6 months.

Neolithic Jackass

2006-01-26T10:13:00.000-05:00

They say that any day you learn something is a day you haven't wasted. I submit that there are things that you can learn that make your day just as wasted as before. To that extent, yesterday I learned, through a random Wikipedia page, about Century Eggs. If you don't feel like reading the article, basically you take an egg, drop it into a plaster made of lime, salt, ash and a couple other things, burying it for a couple months, and then eat it. After a couple months the egg looks like this:

It is a delicacy from China and has been around for a long time. Now. I have two simple questions.

1) What events sparked this discovery?
2) Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to eat it?

Regardless of how it might taste, who was the first one who said, hmm, this very dark green and black egg that used to be a chicken egg, has been buried for half a year and might be good eating. There are many other instances of things like this. How many fishermen did they go through before they found the one part of the blowfish that you can eat that isn't poisonous. How did someone decide that they can make milk go bad a little and become cheese and that's okay to eat.

The solution? A Neolithic version of Jackass.

Thak: Thak find strange berry. Thak give Og pretty rock if Og eat berry.
Og: Give Og berry! Want pretty rock!
Og: (eats berry, dies horribly)
Thak: Og?...Og?....Og dead. So, no eat strange berry.
Ungh: (nods)
Thak: Now, Thak find nasty egg. Thak give Ungh pretty rock if Ungh eat egg.
Ungh: Give Ungh egg! Want pretty rock!
Ungh: (eats egg)
Ungh: Mmmmm....Now give Ungh pretty rock!

Review

2006-01-23T16:10:00.000-05:00

I've decided to do the occasional movie review. Mainly because I want to foist my opinions on an unsuspecting, and undeserving, public. They will contain some small bit of spoilers as it would otherwise be a silly review. I can also guarantee that you will undoubtedly hate my opinions since I have what I would like to call an eccentric taste in movies (though it probably comes down on the wrong side of lame instead). I can promise you that these reviews will be from a guys perspective. Sorry ladies. Finally, I always look at movies as entertainment. I don't look for movies that are "deep" or "thought provoking", award winning movies about gay cowboys eating pudding, or anything that Oprah would recommend. I spend 8+ hours a day having to think, plus graduate school, so I'm all tapped out come Friday night.

Anyhoo.

Underworld: Evolution

Geek Index: 3.75/5.0 (It's a vampire movie.)

Date Movie Value: 1.25/5.0 (Be prepared to grovel to see it)

Enjoyment Rating: 4.5/5.0 (Definitely worth a view)

This past weekend I saw Underworld: Evolution. A continuation of the first Underworld movie, this one starts pretty much the evening after the first one ends. It stars Kate Beckinsale as Selene: a skin-tight-leather-clad vampire, and Scott Speedman as Michael: a very confused guy who in the span of one evening has gone from a medical intern to a super powerful unique hybrid vampire-werewolf. I'd be confused too. They spend the whole movie trying to prevent the first vampire from freeing the first werewolf (they're brothers) who has been imprisoned for a number of centuries. At one point the two main characters get it on, which many have said was a gratuitous sex scene. Mainly because they don't fade to black after they start. There's a whole other discussion about what is gratuitous and what is not, but it boils down to which side of the Atlantic Ocean we're living on. Ripping peoples (or supernatural things) heads off graphically is OK, but showing a slightly prolonged sex scene where you see a little boob is BAD. It's a rated R movie. Deal.

The other major theme of this movie is the audience getting the details of how the whole werewolf/vampirism phenomenon began. And DAMN. I hate to be the Comic Book Guy here, but can't you people (read: Hollywood) pay just a tiny bit of attention to continuity?? I mean, fuck people, did no one proof read the script?? I humbly submit my resume to be a continuity editor. To keep movies from contradicting previous movies, or in some horrid cases, themselves. Needless to say there are a number of issues with the events as they're described in the first movie, with how they're explained in the second movie. The time-line is all bizarred: there's just not enough time for things to have happened, and Selene is WAY too old. If that sort of thing bothers you then you'll have to just try to ignore that and concentrate on hot chick in tight leather.

All in all, its a very enjoyable movie. It's not as super geeky as you might think, mainly because of the sudden mainstreamness of all things geek, and also because it's just a well done vampire movie. As far as a date movie, it depends on your girl. But even if you're with a real girly-girl, you can probably get away with taking her without spending a great deal of time repenting, though it may take some convincing. Personally I liked the first one better, but this one is good enough that I'd be willing to see a third one.

Returned

2006-01-19T15:10:00.000-05:00

My long absence is over, and I once again have thoughts to share. Mainly in the form of a good old fashioned what-the-fuck.

This first WTF is WTF is wrong with Missouri and driving? You should not have to constantly pass on the right, while barely exceeding the speed limit. Hey you! Yeah, you! The one driving the extendo-van full with a church youth group. Either get your 52-in-a-70 driving butt over to the right lane, or stop singing and use that vertical petal on the right. Also, please note that if there is a highway patrol car going 62 in the right lane, it is perfectly legal to pass them in the right lane going 64, 67, 69 or even 70 mph. This is not NASCAR, they are not a pace car.

To continue a geographical theme: We stopped at a Wendy's to get lunch. We were 3rd in line. It took 25 minutes. W.T.F? If you are so stoned that you can't remember what size fry to make in the time it takes you to turn around and face the fry station, maybe you shouldn't be at work. Managers, also keep in mind that if your staff is baked out of their gourd, perhaps you should send them home. Or fire them. Don't let them ponderously make burgers to the extreme annoyance of your customers. It makes us cranky.

WTF happened to Christmas day football?

My little 1-year-old nephew is not allowed naps (WTF) for reasons I've not heard from my sister. So he goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up at 5am. Have you ever noticed how a baby's crying/screaming can cut through all the ambient noise and interference and cause some sort of dis-harmonic imbalance in your brain stem? WTF is that about? Some sort of

[ATTENTION PEOPLE IN KANSAS. PLEASE SKIP THIS SECTION]

evolutionary thing where babies that could generate certain harmonics would survive in the wild because their parents/pack mates would do something about it?

[PEOPLE IN KANSAS READ THIS SECTON]

defense mechanism that God^H^H^H the Grand Designer put into place to help parents care for their young?

[END DANGEROUS THOUGHT SECTION]

So WTF is it called now? Social-Intelligent-Designism? That some people were purposely designed to be cheerleaders, and some to be in the chess club?

There's a song. I don't remember the name, or even who sings it. But it's popular enough to be played a couple times an hour on the radio. Every time it comes on I think "this is it. This will finally be the time I understand the lyrics". And I'm wrong. Every. Single. Time. W_T_F is he singing?? What I hear:

Going Downtown (something not in english: nanamilliuwah??)

Sugar wood going down swinging.

I'll be your number one with a bully.

Know you got complex,

Cock-eyed and pulley.

WTF is wrong with Financial Aid offices around the country? Why do they all suck? Is it a job requirement to be as incompetent as possible to work there?

WTF is up with this post anyway?

Never Emotions, the Internet

2005-12-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the one thing that is hardest to convey through blogs/posts/email/IM is emotion. Other than maybe anger, it's very hard to make the other person(s) aware of the subtelty of your meaning. The only way around it is to pepper your message with enough emoticons and ROTFLMAO's to make the other person suspect that you're really a teenage girl drunk off power from the high from the fumes of her glitter pens. Sarcasm is especially hard to express. You almost have to say something like "sarcasm mode on" before you write, otherwise people will pounce on you like a cat on under-the-covers toes. Explaining how much of a moron you are to have that view point, etc. I like the dry almost british deadpan delivery of a sarcastic comment. Which has the added bonus of making me sound serious online, though often my comments are far from serious. I think this is why my favorite form of communication is person-to-person.

Anyhoo. Speaking of internet etiquite, does anyone else cringe when SOMEONE STARTS TALKING IN ALL CAPS? SINCE THAT'S THE INTERNET EQUIVALENT TO SHOUTING??

Post Finals Detox

2005-12-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

Finals are done. Yay! My brain I can say is actually full. I can't stuff an extra bit of information into it. Here's random sampling of things.

1) At some point, the Scooby-Doo theme song was stuck in my head. I have no idea why.
2) I'm tutoring a neighbors kid in chemistry. Much to my consternation, still remember the atomic weight of Oxygen, Calcium, and several others.
3) Spammers are trying to cash in on the holiday. I keep getting spam with the title of "Your order status: Rwillman". I hate spammers. There ought to be a special hell for people like that. Maybe like having to walk through an infinite mall and spend eternity fending off the people who want to spray you with scents/try out their widget/sign up for their cell phone. Of course, then there ought to be a special hell for THOSE people, where they are spammed once a second for eternity.
4) I thought I was being clever naming the cat Loki. We've since heard of two other people who've done so, and even one who calls it "Loki monster"....like we do.
5) They had a Behind the Scenes: Faulty Towers as a telethon on PBS the other night. I found out that Manuel on that show is really a very eloquent british man. I think that's odd.
6) I'm sporting a 3.85 in grad school. Woot.
7) I got an Old-World looking globe for christmas. I reiterate my original woot.
8) The nutjob in charge of Iran says that Hitlers extermination of the Jews is just a myth. And he's going to have nukes soon. I've always wondered what a post-apocalyptic world would be like. Looks like we'll actually get to find out.
9) I heard some hard liner make the statement that saying Merry Christmas was just expressing the Judeo-Christian belief that is the corner stone of our country. Now, I'm not big on P.C., I say Merry Christmas to you, you say Happy Hanukah/Winter Solstice/Geundathars Ascension to me. Fine. But I'm pretty sure the "Judeo" part doesn't give a rats ass about Christmas.
10) My football team is in the Emerald Bowl in San Francisco. Great. ANOTHER bowl game on the wrong side of the country.
11) That's all I think I think at the moment

Driving Test

2005-12-13T17:00:00.000-05:00

Instructions:

Give yourself 1 points for every 'A' answer, 3 points for every 'B', and 5 points for every 'C'. You have 10 minutes. Begin.

Question 1:

You are traveling on an interstate or a major highway. There is some construction or accident up ahead and traffic is being merged from 4 lanes into 2. Do you:

A) Use the shoulder. You can cover a lot of distance that way, and besides, no one else is using it.

B) When you see an opportunity go ahead and merge. We're all equally screwed in this mess.

C) Pass everyone and get to the point where you are forced to merge by cones or obstructions, and then force your way over. Fuck these people, I'm not waiting.

Question 2:

You are again traveling on the highway, and are speeding. You come up to someone who is in the fast lane also speeding but going slower than you. They are currently passing a semi, or group of semi's and have no where to go. Do you:

A) Ride them like a drunken sorority girl. See if you can get your vehicle inside their muffler. It's the FAST LANE dammit.

B) Keep a couple car lengths between you. Chances are they've seen you, seen that you're going super fast, and will move over once they can.

C) Are you NUTS?? It's called a speed limit! 65 means 65 no matter which lane you're in!

Question 3:

You are waiting at a notoriously quick light, in the turn lane. The light changes. Do you:

A) Make a U-Turn

B) Punch it

C) Make sure there are no other cars in the intersection or pedestrians, and cautiously begin your turn.

Question 4:

You come to an intersection that has a blinking red light. There was a big storm in the area the night before, and most likely something got scrambled. Do you:

A) Roll through the intersection. Duh, it's blinking. That means it's not working so you don't have to obey it anymore.

B) Treat it like a 4 way stop sign. Await your right-of-way.

C) Motion everyone around you to go until the way is clear for you to proceed. It's a blinking red light, we're in uncharted territory. Just letting everyone go first is being both safe AND neighborly.

Question 5:

You're coming up on the turn into your subdivision. Do you:

A) Brake suddenly and turn. No point in wasting time.

B) Throw on your blinker, brake a bit and turn.

C) Turn on your blinker several lights before so that the people behind you know what you're doing. Come to a complete stop before turning. Best to not go wily nily into the turn.

Question 6:

You're on an interstate, and your attention has wandered. Suddenly you realize that you're about to miss your exit. Do you:

A) Swerve. Even if you go a little off road to make that exit, fine.

B) Check to see if you can get over, and if not, take the next exit, turning around if necessary.

C) Immediately slow down to where you can calmly make your way over to the exit. That way you don't surprise anyone by just jumping into their lane. Slower is better.

Question 7:

You're entering the interstate, and it's got several hundred yards of solid white line before the dashes start. Do you:

A) Merge immediately. It's not like a solid white line has any meaning other than showing you where the lanes are.

B) Wait until the dashes start and merge as soon as possible.

C) Cautiously approach the interstate. 40mph is a good speed at which to merge.

Question 8:

You are going to turn onto a 4 lane road. 2 lanes going the direction you want. At the moment there is one car coming and it is in the right most lane. Do you:

A) Floor it, and get into the left lane. I'm not waiting on this schmuck and he's not even in this lane.

B) Wait the 3.765 seconds that it will take for that car to pass and then turn.

C) Turn into the right lane. After all, that's the lane I'm supposed to turn into. I should be going fast enough by the time they catch up so that it won't be a problem. I'll be going fast enough. No. Really.

Question 9:

You live in a Southern city, and there is a freak snow storm. The roads are a little icy due to no salt trucks. You are going to the store. Do you:

A) Go fast! The quicker I get there and back the less time I'm on the road, therefore I'm safer.

B) Drive normally, but pay attention to the road conditions. Better yet, can you delay that trip? In a day the roads will be okay to drive on.

C) The roads are bad! Turn on your hazard lights, and drive at approximately 8mph. That way you aren't likely to lose control of your vehicle.

Question 10:

You need to make a left across traffic on a multi-lane road. It's lunchtime so traffic is in a state of gridlock. Do you:

A) Force your way into the intersection. Fuckers, if they won't let me go, I'll MAKE them let me.

B) Go to the other end of the parking lot, and make 2 rights, and get into the turn lane at a light.

C) Just wait your turn. Someone will be nice and let me go. Even if it takes all lunch break.

Now total your points.

10-20: Reckless and wild. Not only do you get to where you're going faster than anyone else, but you're also truly a danger to behold. You also have probably never gotten a ticket in your life due to the never-a-cop-around-when-you-need-one factor.

21-29: You're aggressive, but not dangerous. You don't get screwed by traffic very often, and probably have a ticket or two to show for it.

30: Congratulations. You're a great driver. You obey most of the traffic laws, with out being pedantic, annoying, or dangerous.

31-39: Damn, you're cautious. And maybe a little annoying. You tend to take it in the ass in traffic, but chances are you've never gotten a ticket, or been in an accident that is your fault. You also take twice as long to get where you're going too.

40-50: Not only are you truly annoying on the road, but quite possible dangerous. You make driving decisions based on wildly inaccurate assumptions. There's a good chance you're a mom in a minivan with several mewling spawn. Either way please burn your license immediately.

After These Messages

2005-11-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

Commercials. Commercials suck. After watching TV shows on DVD and through my Tivo, it's shocking just how much time is dedicated to commercials. I can usually get through an hour long episode of something in just under 40 minutes. There are a few that I think are funny or witty. Endurable i suppose. There are also commercials that make me want to hork.

Commercials I don't mind:
Dr. Pepper ad set to the song "I would do anything for love". I just get a kick out of that commercial. It impresses me how accurately the action mates up to the music. How perfectly the line "But I won't do that!" matches up to the girl reaching for the Dr. Pepper.

Capital One ads. Pillaging barbarians, maurading pirates, ice beasts. Fun.

Burger King commercial where the "King" comes from out of no where to intercept a football. Maybe it's because it's just about the last thing you'd expect. I dunno. I think it's funny.

Random commercial #1. This commercial involves two guys painting a house. One guy tries to repel down to get the top of the wall. The rope is tied to a vent spout and his buddy is holding on. Basically one guy ends up in a tree and the other busts his ass. I have NO CLUE what the ad was advertising.

Random commercial #2. Two guys are trying to take care of a bee hive in a tree. It ends with one guy falling on the bee hive and I think the other in a trash can. Again I have NO CLUE what the ad was advertising.

Commercials that make my brain try to claw it's way out of my skull:
Cortaslim. Dr. Greg Cynamone can go find the nearest cliff and jump off it. Banishment to some horrible dimension where clowns feed on your soul while beating you with 25lbs pickles is not punishment enough. Not only is the frequency of this commercial obscene, but it jacks the volume by about 3000%. Gaurunteed to be jarring at 1AM. Fuckers.

Drug commercials in general. Any ad that says "ask your doctor about it today!" is just wrong. Our country loves to pop pills. This is the last thing we need. Plus did you go to med school? No? So why do you think you need ??

Any Burger King commercial except the aforementioned one. Mainly because the "King" is freaky. It's creepy. It's eerie. Probably even evil.

PeoplePC commercials. Damn are they annoying. Again, they jack the volume so that your ears bleed by the end of it. Not only that, but "web excellerator" stuff is just crap. Read the fine print. They're just trying to pull one over on an unobservant public. Fuckers.

Old Navy commercials. All of them. Fleece should be one of those bad words the censor happy FCC should ban. Gah! Don't they just make your eyes bleed??

There's probably more, but those are the ones off the top of my head. I'll add more if I think of them.

Thanksgiving and Fire

2005-11-25T12:36:00.000-05:00

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. We ate at our neighbors who had invited us and 2 other families to eat with them. That was great. We don't really do much with our neighbors, so it was nice to interact with them. It tends to be tough because of the generation gap. Most of our neighbors have children our age so most social interactions are awkward. At least we didn't get seated at the kiddie table :) Although the football on really sucked. The Dallas-Denver game was horrid. Neither team deserved to win, and the game just would not end. It was painful.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
Goblet of Fire. Warp 3. Engage! So we did get to see the next harry potter movie. It was great, although a bit rushed. Tthe plot line seemed a wee bit undersampled. I suppose it was necessary to get a massive book like that into a reasonable lengthed movie. But frankly, I'd have been fine with a really long movie if it could get through the whole book without feeling so rushed. The next two books are even longer. The sucky thing is that it's not like they could break each one into two movies, unless they released both of them at the same time and didn't try to come up with a hollywood style ending for the first movie.

2Blog || !2Blog

2005-11-22T13:41:00.000-05:00

I've decided to give up all pretenses of making some great production out of my blog. I don't seem to have the will to sit down and do it. And because I'm some what of a perfectionist, it would irritate me if I tried and couldn't spend the time to make it rock. For such things please see: shanshu . Instead you get the insane gibberings of my brain.

We went to the Fox theater again on Sunday to see the Radio City Rockettes. It was a Christmas extravaganza. Which completely violated my rule of no Christmas before Thanksgiving. Strange that I'd be for a form of segragation. But it was great. Lots of music, pretty girls dancing, midgets (Amanda seemed very entertained by the midgets) and overall fun. And then WHAM!!! Bible! It ended with a very preachy nativity set. Since it's Christmas we probably should pay some lip service to the actual religious aspects of it. But you should warn someone that they're going to get backhanded by the bible. I walked out of there with very little recollection of the actual dancing and more this general feel of dread and guilt. Way to go.

Oh, and they actually had live sheep, camels and a donkey on stage.

On the way there I saw a minivan going WAY to fast creep up on a jeep sit on its back bumper for a couple seconds then wildly swerve and actually hit the jeeps back right bumper. Keep in mind there was very little traffic. So...WTF?? How could you actually get in that accident?? Although this goes a long way to support my theory that at the heart of every traffic jam is a mom in a minivan. They may not be actually in the accident, but somehow they've caused it. This might be my closing argument.

Letterman just used the word "verisimilitude" in a conversation with George Clooney. Isn't it a little impolite to be wielding your mighty vocabulary with reckless abandon? How long has he been waiting to use that I wonder. Oh, and when did Letterman get so old??

How many emails have to go unresponded before I can get pissed?

We're going to have Thanksgiving with our neighbors. We've been asked to bring wine. Because we have "great taste in wine". We do?? Our wine selection usually consists of "huh, that's an interesting name, we'll get that."

I've completely given up trying to understand the blog editing window here. Sofar through no action of mine that I can see, it embedded that link to shanshu's site in the html of the paragraph stuff 4 times per paragraph, and would randomly decide to use the paragraph break.

The Seinfeld Effect

2005-11-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

There is a scientific principle I've been working on called the Seinfeld Effect.* Bear with me as it's still a little rough around the edges. Tivo has introduced some perturbations to the over all equations so I've had to revise a "Special" form and a "General" form. But the crux of the theory is that everybody has a limited number of shows they can watch, and from each show a limited number of episodes. For any episodic show you watch extremely infrequently, the Seinfeld Effect will kick in and compensate so that you won't use up too many of your finite allotment of shows and episodes.

For example: I have seen about 12 episodes of Seinfeld. I have seen each of them about 47 times.

Any time I was flipping through channels and saw that it was on, and actually thought (because I'm not much of a fan of the show) "I guess that's okay to watch." It always turns out to be one of the few episodes I've seen. So there was a new show on this season: How I Met Your Mother. Kinda lame, but it's got Doogie Houser and Willow in it so I thought I'd give it a chance. It's on at a weird time that I'm not used to having shows I watch in those time slots. You'd think I'd program Tivo to tape them for me but I'm Too Smart for that! Keep in mind this show started this season, like a month or so ago. I've seen all of one episode. And I've seen it twice. The Seinfeld Effect hard at work, not only making a show play a rerun 5 weeks after starting, but for keeping me from remembering to program my Tivo. (The first being the "General" and the second being "Special").

So next time you're flipping through the channels and see that one episode of that one show for the 127th time, be sure to blame Seinfeld.

*Note this is different from the theory where Kramer kills a bug on Tuesday in N.Y., and you get earthquakes in South Asia and Godzilla in Tokyo on Wednesday.

There's Something Loose...It's Not a Moose

2005-10-30T19:52:00.000-05:00

Recently Amanda and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary. This one was infinitely better than the last one since this one did not involve burying grandparents. In an attempt to do something different, I looked up what was playing at the Fox. I've lived in Atlanta for 9 years now, and have some how never managed to see a show there. When I saw what was playing I knew that was what we had to do. You see, the current show playing at the Fox is Carmina Burana. This brought back painful high school memories, but I figured that I liked the music a good bit, and even though it was a opera/ballet, I could look past that and enjoy the music.

The Fox was nice, in that 1930's retro feel. We took our seats and I noticed one thing right off the bat. It's hot. I'm in a suit, cuz it's the opera and you have to dress nice. Now I wear a suit about 3 times a year depending on the frequency of job interviews, funerals, or holidays. So I'm not exactly comfy. Plus I'm about to watch a ballet. The general male tollerance for such activity is inversely proportional to the temperature. I'm pretty sure at 60 degrees I could endure just about anything the ballet could throw at me. At 92 degrees I'm about ready to pass out. And to top that, we just found out that it's a double feature, and they'd be doing *something russian* Ballet first. Amanda suggested that it was Experimental Ballet, a concept that I momentarily could not comprehend.

Then the lights dim, the crowd goes silent. A violin player plays a long tone, pretty soon the whole ochestra is playing the same note. 15 seconds of that and the orchestra goes silent...the crowd erupts with applause. At which point I thought "Ohhh Experimental Ballet. Like quantum ballet. It's exact state can never be known. You can either see it or hear it." But seriously, did I emit a huge ettiquite faux pas by not applauding the orchestra tuning?? I mean Yay we can match C's! But then the curtain opened and the ballet ensued. It was a full out ballet assault that Amanda and I both agreed was realtively unnecessary. But impressive in it's own right. You find yourself thinking "holy shit he's actually holding her, off the ground, in that crazy position." But in the end, it did.

Finally Carmina Burana.

I don't know exactly what I was expecting, and perhaps should have done research but it was pretty cool, and involved several scenes. These scenes were, in this order:

1) Spooky monks worshiping the Wheel of Perpetual Torment near the Entrance to Hell.
2) Courting in Camelot.
3) Courting in Camelot part II.
4) Hell.
5) Sensual naked male pole-dance, in Hell.
6) Hell.
7) Courting in Camelot part III.
8) Spooky monks worshiping the Wheel of Perpetual Torment near the Entrance to Hell.

The Reply Button is the One That Says "Reply"

2005-10-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

No more work for me today!! I'm taking 2 days off. No real reason other than I haven't had a day off since May. That and I have 21 days of paid leave currently accrued. So when I got out of the bank on the way to work this morning and my car wouldn't start, I decided to just forget work.

1) My Fucking Car.

Jan 2005 -> Clutch fails mysteriously. $1305.00
Aug 2005 -> Battery Dead. Terminal, terminal caps, wires corroded to the point where they're all one piece of material that faintly resembles metal. $125.00 + 2 days of me labor
Oct 2005 -> Battery sealer that friend told me to use to prevent corrosion causes connectivity problems leaving me stranded at the bank. $30.07 for new wire + system checkout.

2005 has been a BAD year for my car.

2) I'm getting a masters degree. For no other reason than it opens doors. It is an online degree. Interactive-streaming audio+video+chat lectures that are recorded and can be watched later. The course is designed for people who work 40+ hours a day and can't always make a lecture. So my current asshole professor makes assignment/project/policy changes in lecture and does not echo those changes to the website. He also refuses to answer my emails. Period. I've emailed him 4 times. 4!! About getting a login to a certain lab so I can do my project. I have received a response to the 2nd email which was "I forgot, I will do it tomorrow". He didn't. Now it's a month later and still no freaking login. And I'm wondering at what point do you talk to the head of the department? I certainly don't want to piss this guy off to where he fails me out of spite, but I'd also like a response now and then.

3) We're getting our upstairs AC, upstairs furnace, AND ductwork replaced today and tomorrow!! Which is going to make the utility bills lighter, and make it cooler/hotter in here when appropriate.

4) That's pretty much it. I'm not at work so nah-nah-nah-nah :)

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

2005-10-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

I managed to check out Serenity this weekend, while taking a break from a take home test. I really don't want to be taking this class. It's over a topic I will never EVER EVER go into in my field, and the professor does not understand what a "distance learning" class entails where 90% of the students are full time employees. So we have outrageous amounts of homeworks, exams, projects and term papers. And I'll get next to nothing out of it. But I have to take it. All for that nifty little piece of paper that will let me put an M.S. on my resume. It's kinda like turning 18. The night before you were not compentent enough to take part of our electoral process, but the next morning WHAM! Over night the Voting Fairy comes by and smacks you with his want so you are mature enough to cast a ballot. You're also wanded by the Selective Service Fairy, the Tobacco Fairy, the Porn Fairy and the Firearms Fairy and a few other Lesser Fairies. You're worked over by so many fairies like you were a drunk sorority girl who wandered into the football teams locker room. All this pain and suffering in a class I don't want to be in just for a piece of paper. So I took a break.

There will probably be spoilers. Ye be warned. Yar.

1) I finally figured out the geography of the Firefly universe. They never really talked about it in the show, and they don't talk about an FTL drive of any kind. I was okay with this. I figure you either have to actually make the physics work, or don't talk about it at all. The worst is when they come up with some bullshit 'dilithium crystals' solution. The movie indicated that they're just in one massive solar system with a buttload of planets. huh.
2) They got everyone from the original cast back. That's good. I worry that they would do something dumb like change out actors. Never works. Also kudos on not casting Hayden Christensen.
3) We find out where the Reavers come from!! Yay!
4) Kaylee is extremely open about her sex life.
5) Like all Weadon projects, this has a high hero body count. I figured Shepard was a goner when he showed up. He'd gone from a crew member to an old aquaintance. That sort of sideways move in the Weadonverse generally ends with you getting a) vamped b) dusted c) a then b d) sliced in the back e) impaled or some equally gruesome demise. I was a bit surprised, and irked! that Wash did not survive the movie. He was hilarious in the show, and provided some nice balance to the militaristic approach that Mal has. And he's not coming back. In Buffy or Angel, being dead was always kind of an iffy area. Heck even the main characters have been offed a time or two. But Firefly doesn't imploy magic.
6) The movie seemed a bit choppy. Like it could have been about 30 minutes longer to help flesh out some scenes. There's always the directors cut DVD.
7) More movies or return to TV? I dunno. I say TV. Firefly could return to the Sci-Fi channel and have 5 or so good seasons.
8) The answers to last blogs quiz: Frak -> Battlestar Galactica (the new one), Frell -> Farscape, Dren -> Farscape, Gorram -> Firefly, Swearing in Chinese->Firefly
9) I like the opening theme to the TV show. I was a bit disappointed it wasn't in the movie.
10) Fox originally aired firefly episodes out of order, preempted it repeatedly, and then canceled it. What exec didn't like the show, I wonder? Same thing happened to Family Guy. It got moved on a bi-weekly basis, and often put after an NFL game where it would be preempted. And that was because of some exec not liking the show. It got excellent ratings, until people couldn't figure out when it would come on. Seems a bad business practice to me.
11) I still have a hard time seeing Mal as anything but evil preacher man from BtVS season 7.

You Can't Say That On TV!!

2005-09-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

So after pondering on my friends "Bunny" blog, it struck me as to just how dumb censorship is. For example you can't say "Shit" on TV or radio without facing fines from the FCC in excess of Paraguay's annual budget. I won't get off on a rant about the legality of the FCC's inquisition on all things obscene, because I'm just in too good of a mood.

But seriously, words are what we use to express an idea, or to reference a thing. You can even have multiple words reference the same thing. And so we outlaw the usage of the word "fuck" on TV. But not the idea behind it. You can even reference it as long as you use a more kosher term. So why exactly is the word taboo, but not the idea?? Seems really well, bureaucratic and very much like what our government is good at.

I've noticed that sci-fi shows are rather adept at getting around this. "Hmmm... we can't say fuck, so instead we'll use... frak! Yeah that's it. They even sound the same, and everyone will know what we meant." And to which the censors say "... its not on the list. Approved!" And since it's all make-believe anyway, it's perfectly reasonable for their parallel-dimension type universe to have it's own unique words of curse. I've heard: frak, frell, dren, gorram, even swearing in chinese. And that's all A-Okay! I think it's just plain silly.

10 points if you can match the curse to the show!

To Be Continued...

2005-09-26T17:26:00.000-05:00

Are there any 3 more dreaded words that might appear at the season finale of a favorite show? There are three shows I watch on the Sci-Fi channel, they have a winter & summer season, instead of starting in the fall and running through the spring. The last couple of season, or mid season breaks have had one or two of them end with To Be Continued... Which is kinda cool to give you something to look forward to, but then it's 3 months before you get to actually see it. Plus there's always that off chance that some asshole executive decides that reruns of some two-bit sitcom would be a better idea and cancel your show with no closure.

The end of this season came with all three shows being To Be Continued... They work you up to some huge climax and then leave you hanging. I mean, if you're going down on someone, you don't get them 90% of the way there, and then say "We'll finish this next fall". You're liable to get your head torn off. Violently.

Not only that but how often have you seen the bad guys win? The bomb explode? The death ray being fired? The good guy dying? Don't insult my intelligence by building up this huge scene where the good guys are captured and about to be hung and then cut to a To Be Continued... for 16 weeks. They're only going to be saved next season. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So do me a favor, either give me some plotline closure, or freaking surprise me. Fire the death ray. Obliterate the city. Have a good guy get offed.

Because otherwise it's just an abuse of a plot technique. As far as I'm concerned it's tandemount to,

To Be Continued...

What.... is the Air-Speed Velocity of an Unladen Student Load?

2005-09-20T12:49:00.000-05:00

I am not one to really believe in the whole reincarnation dogma. Yet, I have found either and instance of it, or sort of a modern day application of a particular personality disorder. Namely, those people who in ages past were mystics, sooth sayers, seers, crazy hermits living in the mountains in a cave on the tallest peak in the Land of Erg. These were the people one would go see to find the answers to life, the universe and everything. Generally these people would tell you that "To find the answer you seek you must climb to the top of the Mountain of Perpetual Torment, across the Plains of Doom, through the Forest of Eternity and beyond the Sea's of Antiquity."

These people, translated to the modern age, now work in the Financial Aid offices at universities around the world.

I got a student loan, so I wouldn't have to fork over tuition up front. The bank was okay with this, but after a month it still said that final approval was pending. So I call them up and ask why. It turns out that for 3 weeks they had been trying to get a hold of my school to make sure I was making sufficient academic progress. I thought, "hmmm, what could be the problem." So I called the financial aid office, and got a recording that told me in a big friendly voice that:

"There are no operators to take your call at the moment, please try back later."

No queue, no voice mail, it just hung up on me. No freaking wonder the bank couldn't get them on the phone. So I truck up there, taking time off from work, to stand in line to talk to the seer... er... financial aid person. They tell me they'll call and fix it. No problem.

2 weeks go by, and my fees still haven't been paid. I call the bank, bank says everything is okay. I go back up to school, they tell me everything is in order and to check back in a couple days.

Another week, and now it's the last day to pay for classes or they'll be DELETED and my fees STILL aren't paid. Amanda, my dear wife who apparently was a powerful sorceress in a past life... or would have been and it's just the modern day equivalent, however that is working, manages to divine the phone number to the financial aid office that gets you ACTUAL PEOPLE!! They tell her that "whoops! we forgot to tell the bank to send us the money, our bad." They put in a call get it all straightened out, except that the funds won't be there for 5 days. In that time my classes will be deleted, and I'll just go in and petition to get reinstated and then get to go back to class.

And no part of that, no itty bitty part of that, might in any way get screwed up leaving me totally and completely FUCKED??

The masters program I'm in is 5 straight semesters. You have to go 5 in a row or start over. So getting my classes deleted is a BIG FREAKING DEAL thank you very much. So the nice people say, "oh, well, we'll just put a special hold on your classes until next Wednesday."

Right, and no part of that, no itty bitty part of that, might in any way get screwed up leaving me totally and completely FUCKED?? Sorry, this isn't my first time to the dance , you'll have to do better than that. In the end it's all good, not dropped classes, and everything is accounted for.

But I do believe that I have found the modern age sooth sayers in financial aid (post office, and DMV also qualify) around the world.

Or... perhaps they're Vogons in disguise.

Bring Out Your Dead

2005-09-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

Today I was glancing through the headlines on cnn.com, and ran across this gem of a headline: Lab Mice Infected with Plague Missing. The gist of the article is that there are several mice that have the bubonic plague are gone. Missing from the lab. No one knows if they were stolen, eaten by other lab animals, or just lost in a shuffle of paperwork. They had the general opinion of "Yeah, we don't know where they are, they're sneaky little buggers. The mice will either turn up or not." Are you fucking kidding me?? This is the Black Death. You know, killed over half of Europe and you're being blase about it.

Didn't ANYBODY see 12 Monkeys? I'm sure that there was someone who saw a headline in that movie: "Top secret virus lab broken into, vials unaccounted for. Also in the news hundreds of people dead from misterious illness. More at 11." But then I read that 10 or 12 people turn up each year with it here in the US. That just blows my mind. I mean it's probably not THAT big of a deal what with modern medicine and all, but it's still kinda spooky.

The Physics of Flashlights

2005-09-14T20:27:00.000-05:00

About two years ago, I had grown tired of having to spend half an hour to find my flashlight. I was in Target, and passed by the section that had flashlights for sale. I picked up 4. 2 small ones for the house, and 2 big ones for our cars. Thus bring our total to 5 flashlights.

I then promptly lost the original one, then quickly lost the 2 house flashlights, brought the one in from my car and lost that one, leaving us with one flashlight. Again. And it usually takes about 20 minutes to find it as it may or may not be in our space-time.

So I have two working theories.

Theory A: The Pot O' Gold Theory.
This theory is based on the assumption that somewhere in our house is a secret compartment that useful objects can escape to, and once there cannot leave of their own accord. I expect to find several socks, 18 small foam soccer balls (cat toys), 2 wrenches, a hammer, Elvis and Atlantis.

Theory B: There Can Be Only One.
The other idea is that there can be only one flashlight, so they periodically meet in a parking garage with samurai swords and cut off each others heads.

I will now delete the inevitable post in this thread along the lines of "Great blog, keep it up, and hey, check out my site on laundry detergent!"

Fight! Win! Drink! Get Naked!

2005-09-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

So my friend called me up Friday and said he had obtained his companies season tickets to the Tech game for Saturday. He wanted to know if I wanted to go. Hmmmm, lemme think on that one.

Oh hell yeah.

These seats were his companies which means that they were in the club level, 10 rows from the field, stradling the 30 yard line. They're in the section where its like a minimum of $10,000 donation just to get in the drawing for season tickets. They had uniformed personel taking drink orders from the stands and going inside to get them for you. Fan fucking tastic!! So we got to watch the white and gold kick some as and actually not totally blow it in one of the WORST officiated games. Ever.

- As far as I know, and it could have changed, but holding is still a penalty. 10 yards. From the previous spot in college.
- A pass interference flag should probably be thrown, or NOT thrown, by the official that is standing 8 feet from the play. If you are on the sidelines on the opposite side of the field some 60 yards or so from the play, probably not your call.
- I understand wanting to limit hits out of bounds, but does incidental jersey contact 1 step out of bounds really constitute "Unnecessary roughness"? How about "Unnecessary flag throwing?"
- Why in the world do you run nothing but passing plays when you're up by two touchdowns in the last 6 minutes of the game?
- Like someone in the stands said, our band isn't much on the field, but they can really raise hell in the stands.
- Our fight song is about drinking and swearing. I think that's kinda cool.

Now, I've only been to campus a couple times since graduation, and only a handful of games. But in the 4 years since I graduated a few minor things have changed. My friend I was with left Tech after his freshman year to retain his sanity, so things have really changed for him. He was actually a bit angry I think, or maybe he felt cheated. Here are a few of the nifty things that have been done since I left.

- The old derelict Textile Engineering building that sat as a sort of ruinous monument to asbestos in the middle of campus has been torn down, and a park put in it's place.
- The bookstore has been moved, and the whole area has been revamped into a kind of high-tech lounge. The old nasty post office has been beautified and connected to the lounge. The post office even has HD-plasma TV's.
- The old baseball stadium which used to be just bleachers is now a nice brick structure.
- The health center is gone, and a brand new state of the art building is there.
- There is a whole group of buildings that are completely state of the art and brand new...I don't know what used to be there.
- While no longer applicable to me, the non-sororiety hotty factor has actually increased well past "Troll".
- The old freshman parking lot, that used to be ACROSS the highway, is now a hotel and conference center. To get to the old freshman lot you had to go under the highway (through a spooky tunnel), and turn left down They'll-Never-Hear-You-Scream Ave, and go back behind an Arby's, get asked for money about 17 times, then the lot is at the corner of Carjacking and Mugging. Now, you can get roomservice in the same spot.
- The burned out shell of a wearhouse across from the freshman lot is not the campus bookstore. It's actually a Barnes and Nobles, but highly customized for Tech. Textbooks are on the second story.
- The other burned out parking lot area is now a Marble Slab Creamery, a BBQ place, Asian Fusion Cuisine, A travel agency, and the small business incubator.
- The stadium now holds about 15,000 more people than it did when I was there.

So it's kinda like 2 different Techs. The Before-Rich-Graduated Tech and the Okay-He's-Gone-Quick-Lets-Expand-And-Update Tech.

Random Thoughts II

2005-09-07T16:38:00.000-05:00

1) It is done. It is over. I have finally watched all 7 seasons of Buffy and all 5 seasons of Angel. Now I can go back and watch all the normal TV that got Tivo-ed in the mean time.

2) It just took me 30 minutes to log into my class lecture. Windows sucks. Windows-only applications are even worse.

3) We finally got bedroom furniture. Amanda said she was tired of living like we were in a dorm room. I guess the sectional wicker dressers aren't romantic. Good to know.

4) You know those Neighborhood Watch signs? The ones that are in subdivisions that say warning blah blah we'll actually call the cops blah blah? Everytime I see them all I can think is "Warning! The Eye of Ra is upon you!!" since they always have that eerie Egyptian hieroglyphic eye.

5) Which makes me think of some humorist somewhere who quoted the Pharaoh Khufu: "Spooky-Eye Bird Man-standing-sideways Spooky-Eye"

6) I had to look up "hieroglyphic" because I can't spell normal English words, let alone things like THAT.

7) Untie!!

8) It's rather sad that we had to occupy one of our OWN cities, as if it were Dresden, or Baghdad.

9) On that topic, with the news coverage of people with guns randomly shooting at rescuers. It was brought to mind that scene from the movie Independence Day when the news anchor showed a picture of a red circle with a line through it, and a gun in the middle saying something like "We ask that gang members not fire their weapons at the space craft as it might accidentally set off an interstellar war."

10) There's a gentle chill in the air in the mornings now, must mean its football season! My team took down Auburn this weekend taking the series to 2-0 since we started playing them again. Woot.

11) Monday night I found myself in a quandry. I should have been rooting for Miami to blow it, but that would have had me rooting for FSU, which I took a blood oath never to do. I think if it was FSU vs. The Hoardes of Hell, I'd be damned.

12) You can push-start a manual transmission.

13) There was WAA-AA-AAY to much beer this weekend.

14) A cat's defense mechanism when it gets scared is to expell copious amounts of hair. I guess to annoy it's predators by making them go "pthat pthat pthat".

15) What's in a name? Does a name dictate behavior, or does the behavior lend description to the name? Cuz naming a cat after the Norse god of Fire, Mischief and, uh, Evil, might have been a severe oversight in judgement.

16) I'm am ALWAYS finding myself typing behaviour and colour. Guess I was born on the wrong side of the pond.

17) My friends 2.5 year old was in Meltdown-Mode this weekend. Nothing quite as ugly as watching a small child freaking loose it's mind for no reasons what so ever. At one point he was strapped in his car seat and went berzerk trying to hit his older brother. The whole car seat was moving. Imagine the muppet Animal just with more devestation. Like Godzilla.

18) Fin

7 Things

2005-08-26T00:38:00.000-05:00

I zigged when I should have zagged and got tagged by Pizzle.

Seven things I:

Plan to do before I die:
- See the pyramids
- Deliver that devistating comeback at the exact right moment
- Finish remodeling our house.
- Give wildly outdated advice to a child.
- Become fluent in a language other than English.
- Shot a hole-in-one.
- Vacation somewhere tropical.

Can do:
- Listen with an open mind
- Higher math
- Emulate foreign accents
- Reverse engineer a device driver
- Swing dance
- Parallel park
- Juggle

Can't do:
- Understand fanaticism
- Navagate in Atlanta
- Flair my nostrils
- Magic
- Put a good story down
- A backhand tennis shot
- Shmooze

Am attracted to in the opposite sex:
- Eyes
- Brain
- Legs
- Smell
- Sense of humor
- Not being a girly girl
- Ass

Say most:
- Interesting
- Hilarious
- Un-fricking-believable
- Fuckity
- That appears not to be the case.
- Asshat
- If you say so

Celebrity Crushes:
- Christina Ricci
- Sarah Michelle Gellar
- Amanda Tapping
- Alyson Hannigan
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
- Amy Smart
- Eliza Dushku

Vocabulary Lesson

2005-08-23T00:48:00.000-05:00

So here are a few fun words I've had to look up in the past 24 hours.

yurt: a circular domed tent of skins or felt stretched over a collapsible lattice framework and used by pastoral peoples of inner Asia

I read that one somewhere on the web and had to know what it meant.

halcyon: 1) calm, peaceful 2) happy, golden 3) prosperous, affluent

That one was from some dialog I heard on TV.

ablative: of, relating to, or constituting a grammatical case expressing typically the relations of separation and source and also frequently such relations as cause or instrument

No freaking clue. That word has been bouncing around my head since this morning for no reason I can rightly fathom. It's not even a word that I'd feel neat working into a conversation. I've been wondering what it meant, and now I'm just creeped out.

Ode to My Tivo

2005-08-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

Oh Tivo, my Tivo, sitting valiantly aside the TV.
What I would do without you, I hope to never see.
You do your job without pause or complaint,
For late night programming you are the patron saint.
No longer a slave to any particular show,
You stedfastily record it, as I come and go.
Firefly, Stargate both SG-1 and Atlantis,
Battlestar Galactica I'll never again have to miss.
Because they're on Friday nights, and lets be honest,
To go out with friends or just Amanda is best.
So whilst I'm having fun,
And you've just got done,
Taping new episodes and saving them like the rest.
You also keep the peace by letting me record,
Some B movie that would cause severe discord.
If I forced my girl to watch with me,
Instead of Trading Spaces on TLC.
The only complaint, if I had to wager,
Is that you thought I was a gay history major.
I can't allow you to just up and archive,
Things you feel on which I would thrive.
We tried that once before don't you remember,
Every episode of Queer Eye and more in December,
Plus countless shows on tombs and pharaohs.
Was the only saving grace my dear Tivo.
Mysteries of the Ancient World? Yes, yes si vous plait!
Gay drama and cinema? Not my cup of tea okay?
So record what I want and we'll be alright.
And keep those shows all through the night.

Oh yeah

2005-08-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

And just so Eric doesn't get too irked. Since I'm kinda between music phases right now, here are the next five songs off of my randomized eclectic playlist:

1) Wiskey in a Jar - Metallica
2) How Lucky Can One Guy Be? - Indigo Swing
3) Superspy - Save Ferris
4) Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty of Infidelity - Type O Negative
5) You & Me & The Bottle Makes 3 Tonight - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

And since I'm a total 100z3r, I can't tag 5 people. I'll just content myself with being "it" for a while.

Gotta Little Demon In Ya?

2005-08-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

I was watching some of the 3rd season of Angel and I had a moment of personal funny. It was shortly after Cordelia becomes half-demon, and it might have been something she said, because I think she said she had a little demon in her. I was reminded of those old Captain Morgan commercials with the tag line of "got a little captain in ya?". I then entertained myself with a mental parody of those commercials, with the obvious changes. It was one of those moments that is extremely funny to you, and there's no possible way to explain or share the moment with anyone and have it retain it's full level of humor. At best someone will just chuckle a little to try to get you to shut up and stop trying to explain. But I came to realize something. Well, two somethings actually, one being that I am in serious need of getting a life. The second, and possibly more important, is that I really need a creative outlet. I had hoped that this blog would help, but I fear its turning more into my own personal rant space.

I'm left-brain dominant, but I realized that the right side of my brain isn't vestigial, it's merely atrophied. Left to it's own devices, that side comes up with strange things, such as the little mental parody, and other things. For instance I never dream normal things. In fact I can't remember the last time I had a dream that completely warp reality. Fantastical settings, physically impossible events, that sort of thing. The closest "real life" dream I've had lately was a completely normal situation, except everything was in various
shades of green: people, places, items. And unfortunately, the work I do is very much opposite. If-Then-Else. That's my world.

I'm also very pedantic. I've always been that way, probably something to do with how I'm wired. It's why I'll never make a very good deviant. Too concerned about the rules. But lately it's gotten worse, and I don't really like it. And I think it has to do with working with computers so closely. Too much logic I suppose, and not enough illogic. The irony is that it's probably why I'm good with computers too. Either way I need to do something as an outlet of creativity, or I think I might go a little insane.

Weekend in Review (Including Monday!)

2005-08-16T10:19:00.000-05:00

My weekend (including Monday because I'm lazy and didn't get this up yesterday):

Friday:

Met an old friend at Everybody's Pizza down on (close enough) Emory's campus. It was great to see her, since it's been well over a year. Unfortunately Everybody's Pizza has the single MOST disgusting pizza I've ever encountered. Maybe it's the pizza sauce, that is worse than generic tomato sauce. Or maybe it's the provolone, mozzarella and parmesan cheese blend they use. All I know is after 3 pieces my stomach said, "Look. Asshole. Stop eating that crap! No, you know what, go ahead, take another bite. You want to play it hard, we can play it hard. I DARE you to take another bite!" Needless to say I stopped.
The rest of the evening was spent on the couch trying not to hork. At least the Sci-Fi channel was there to keep my mind off of pizza. erk.

Saturday:

Amanda was out at the lake with a group of ladies from the neighborhood playing bunco. Or as they call it in Vegas: craps. This kept me free to play a round of golf with a friend. Then of course there was the after-golf beering that occurred. Then we decided there was time to wander through electronics stores, and I found the 3rd season of Angel for cheap. I also found that HD-DVRs are getting cheap now. Woot.

Sunday:

Home improvement day! Which meant that Amanda and I spent the day bickering. You see, I unfortunately have an opinion. And while Amanda and I are usually in the same book, we're seldom on the same page, or even chapter. I swear once we're done with the house stuff, we'll be experienced negotiators to get jobs for the UN. Next time Kerplekistan and Herflangistan go to war because one prostrates to their god while leading with the left knee and the other leads with the right, you can just send in Amanda and I and we'll negotiate peace. The home stuff is exacerbated by the fact that men just see colors differently. We're see in the Windows default setting. 256 thats all you're going to get.
Then we ate dinner with our friends who have two toddlers and another set of friends who are moving in down the road from us. It was a nice outing that ended when the usual meltdown of the kids forced us from the restaurant. After that Amanda beat my ass around the tennis court, paying me back for earlier behavior at the hardware store.

Monday:

Work! (duh). And more tennis. Oh, and the first 4 episodes of Angel season 3. And honestly, I'm beginning to think that the entire cast of Lost is comprised of actors with bit or minor parts in Angel. I think I'm up to three people on Lost that I've seen in Angel. Weird.

Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa

2005-08-11T12:36:00.000-05:00

So I noticed that Kansas is once again in the news. Kansas moves to stem the role of Evolution. I was building up to this huge rant, but you know what? Fuck that. I have shed my final tear for the children of my home state. I was sympathetic the first time. Some freaks get elected and start dragging the education system back a century. Who could have seen that? But this time? No! Bad electorate, no cookie! This time, I'm sympathetic but I'm not going to get worked up. You elected them, willfully, and you get to deal with the crap that they bring forth. Like a giant sphincter belching forth a theocratic miasma.

Onto the real blog:

I was watching an old episode of Futurama last night, it had one of my favorite lines (although about 50% of the script could make a favorite-line list. This one just struck me funny one night). After Fry kills his grandfather and nails his grandmother, Farnsworth says something along the lines of "Oh, a lesson in not changing the past from Mr. I'm-my-own-grandpa. Lets get the hell out of here already, screw history!" And as scary as it sounds, it reminds me of just a couple months ago. My parents and my sister and her little boy, my nephew came to visit. They hadn't seen our house since we bought it last spring. My brother in law is currently playing dodgebomb over in Iraq right now, which is why he was noticeably absent from the list of people visiting. My little nephew looks almost EXACTLY like me. Enough that it kinda creeps me out. Creeps me out enough that I'm still looking for the rotating door, and Rod Sterling. Put it this way: you put me, my father, my grandfather, and my new nephew all together in a group. It looks a little like the progression of man, like from homo-erectus through homo-sapiens-sapiens. (oops, sorry all you Kansas folk for that last bit. Yay! my blog can now be banned from a classroom.) But the group photo, and I wish I actually had one, also looks like I had an accident... several accidents with a time machine. We could be a warning poster for a physics class. "Remember kids, don't fuck with time." Or "Don't be Causalities bitch, practice safe Time Travel."

Blogging: Raw and Uncut

2005-08-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

Long time no bloggy. Mainly because I was on a week long business trip to Huntsville, Al. And unless you're on a trip to the Bahamas, the just aren't that fun. So anything I wrote would have been a huuuuge ranting bitchfest. I decided to spare you, my few but proud readers. I also take too much time to blog, partly because I try to hard. I'll write something and decide, no I don't really like the phrasing there, how about swapping that bit and that bit over there? And then there's always looking at some point of view I have and thinking, oh, will many people be offended? Bunny that. My blog my viewpoint. I've decided to cease that obsessive behavior and give you the raw form. My thoughts at their purest. And since it's been a while, I've got a veritable cornucopia of thoughts, a myriad idea spread, a rainbow of mental vomit.

1) Go Discovery! I'm glad the astronauts made it back safe, and that our space program hasn't disolved into a complete failure. A lot of people don't like the space program, that we "should fix things down here first." And that, simply will not ever happen. So go, explore space, see whats out there. Hopefully find some place that we can move to when we finish bunny-ing up our current little blue-green ball of joy.

2) Nothing makes me dislike religion quite like fervertism and zealotry. As witnessed in Eric's email about the blogger with the Harry-Potter-is-the-devils-handbook post. That sort of crap is waaaay too prevelant for my tastes. Of course, I'm down here in the South, and there's a lot of that going around.

3) One of my friends posted this link to one of those silly-but-irressistable online quizes: quiz. I am apparently Jean-Luc Picard. Greaaat. I mean, I didn't get something super horrible, but it's just not that exciting. I took it again and changed a couple of the answers. You know the kind, when you're looking at the question and going um, uh...hmmm, oh! well...no...but... And got Elrond. Which was a heck of a lot cooler than Picard. Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson...I mean Baggins.

4) Huntsville is a silly place. Not only is it in Alabamastan, but it has a fascinating dynamic. I mean, it's deep south so you have some bit of it that's very redneck, very nascar. The kind of folk who dispised Matrix Revolutions, not because the movie sucked, but because the had a little bit of Jesus symbolism at the end and "that ain't right". But it also has from what I've seen a good bit of counter-culture. Lots of dyed hair, piercings, Mean People Suck bumperstickers. The mall near the office there has an oxygen bar. No fooling! That just seems totally out of place. Like finding a new secret chamber in the Great Pyramid and finding a McDonald's there. Maybe it's just the area I'm in, I've never wanted to really find out.

5) My sweety and I started playing tennis to get some more exercise. Mainly for me, I'm the programmer. Of course, playing tennis with her is an exercise in humility. She's Miss All Varisty super athlete, and I was in band. So we'll hit the ball back and forth a few times, then she smacks me down with this hit that goes about 3,754 MPH.

6) If you're ever thinking about going back to get a Masters degree, take my advice, and quit your job. Don't be an idiot like me and do both at the same time!!

Okay that's enough for now. More coherentness blogs to follow!

You say Yakuza, I say Jacuzzi

2005-07-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

Every day on my way to work I stop at this particular interestion (see previous blog). And this morning I happened to notice something strange. Not like a elderly gentleman in a blue leotard trying to bite his own cheek, but strange none the less. There is an office that was once a house, probably 30 years ago before the shambling mound of commercialism came along and overran the area. It is a long ranch style home, with the entrance in the middle. That is not the strange part. The strange part is that on the far right
window, well away from the entrance, is a small black sign with 5 symbols on it that I can only assume is one of many Asian languages. And NO English translation, which is odd because well, we do kinda live in an English speaking country. Now it is the South, so English speaking is debatable, y'all.

I don't truly suspect anything nefarious, because not only do we live in and English speaking country, but we also live in reality. So why do I feel this overwhelming urge to copy those symbols and google the hell out of them?

Maybe because it actually is kind of suspicious. Why show the sign way out of the way? And why not provide an English translation? What the fuck could it say that only people who speak that language need to know?? If I google it am I going to find that it's an insult? Like "Hey Americans, suck my balls!".
Or is it a joke? Like "If you can read this you don't need a babelfish.".

The only clue I have is that the office is a Chiropractor. Which is different than an Osteopath because of the spelling. So I wonder if it's indicating that you can get some sort of Korean massage, or Chinese pedicure, or Mongolian beef.

All I know is that it's in a language that only a fraction of a fraction of the population knows...so it can't be bringing in a lot of customers. And I HAVE to know what it says. I suppose I could just call the place and ask... but that just seems WAAY too easy.

Shine Thy Scarlet Splendor Upon Me My Children

2005-07-26T14:47:00.000-05:00

A realization came to me the other day on the way home from work. Now before I continue you have to understand my drive. I live about 10 miles from work, and it takes anywhere from 25 minutes to an hour to get home. There are 17 lights between home and work. I know this because one of the things I do to keep my mind occupied is see what the ratio of red lights to green lights I get. Usually its somewhere in the realm of 10:7. So I hit a lot of red lights. Other people have made mention of this if I'm driving.

But lately I've taken to not counting some of the green lights. You know the kind that are in front of a fire station, or school. The kind that only turn red at very specific times. I didn't think they should count since its not a normal traffic event that would trigger them to change. I named them Eternals, since they are perpetually one color. I've actually come up with mental names for a bunch of different kinds of red lights. The kind that wait until you've just stopped to turn green again (Little Bitch). The kind that wait until the last possible second to turn red so you either have to stop, or hit the intersection at a relativistic speeds (Cock Tease). The kind that just stay red while you approach from miles away (Stoic). That's when it hit me.

I AM THIS GUY!!

So, I have a super power. Everyone does really. Some little unique quirk that sets them apart from people. Some people are remarkably charming, some people always win free cokes. One of my friends will come up with a random, but contextually appropriate movie quote, and that movie will come on TV within 24 hours. But my super power is to hit red lights. Not a very prominent super power. Definitely not Super Friends material. I won't be in the League of doodly with that power, though I might get a gig on The Tick.

As a power, it ranks up there with The Ability To Communicate With Corn, or The Ability to Accurately Apply Anti-fungal Cream. But hey, it's mine.

SPOOOOOOON!!!!!

SCOTUS looks like SCROTUM

2005-07-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting year. A new pope got elected, which was fascinating to watch. The last time that happened I was only months old, so it was a whole new experience. Now we have to replace one of our Supreme Court justices. (bonus points if you can actually name all 9 (including the one that left) justices with out looking it up) I have only vague recollections of the last time that happened, since I was about 14 and had far more important things on my mind.

I read recently where they should have a vote on this new justice nominee sometime in September. And I honestly don't know if I can endure 7+ weeks of the whole process. Politics have been particularly draining the last couple years. And I want to keep up with things and be civic minded and all. Last thing I want is to wake up one day and read about some change: "Huh, so we're a klerostocracy now. When the heck did that happen?" But paying attention to the goings on of politics definitely does not give me that warm fuzzy feeling deep inside.

I am hesitantly hopeful that the next 7 weeks won't be hell, and I'm a little surprised it's so calm. But I'm sure before long it is going to degenerate into the usual crap. One side saying "Bush nominated him, ergo pure evil", and the other side saying "He won't do enough to overturn Roe v. Wade".

I'm trying really hard to care, but it's hard to with the past couple decisions that they've back handed the country with. Growing plants in your basement to help ease the symptoms of your eye disease constitutes interstate commerce and is therefore regulatable by Congress. Or they could just come take your house, basement and all, and build a Dunkin Donuts since the extra taxes means that its a "public usage" of the space.

Fuckers.

Just add hobbits

2005-07-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

When I was in France I was, and still am, fascinated by one appetizer. I can't even remember what it was called but it was essentially slices of a cantelope-like melon, with slices of deli ham wrapped around them. I found this bizarre to say the least. What most concerned me was that somewhere in the dim annals of history someone was sitting around and saying "This melon is wonderful, just ripe enough, and juicy. It's like an orgasm for your taste buds. But you know what it really needs? Ham. Maybe bacon, but some sort of cooked pig meat." Or since it was in France, "ce melon est merveilleux, assez mûr, et juteux. Il est comme un orgasme pour vos bourgeons de goût. Mais vous savez de ce qu'il a besoin vraiment ? Jambon. Peut-être lard, mais une certaine sorte de viande cuite de porc."

It's almost like a game. Taking two completely unrelated topics, ideas, things, and juxtaposing them together to create some Frankensteinesque beast. So here's a fascinating little experiment I found involving hobbits (no, not delicately sliced hobbit wrapped around melon. But just as funny)

Once More With Hobbits!

Short cuts make funny delays

2005-07-21T09:07:00.000-05:00

They've done studies that show that when it comes to words, your brain is already processing it's "best guess" before you've actually finished decoding a word. You can see that in action when you're skimming a page or sign or something. You see something and think "surely that can't be what it said." So you go back and take a closer look. And yeah, it usually turns out you've transposed a character, or partially combined a couple words. Anyway, here are a couple of my more entertaining misfire's:

this is about a year old, but slapped on the front page of cnn.com was:
what I saw: "Millions flee France!"
what it said: "Millions flee Frances!"

This was back during hurricane season last year. But I honestly had an omg-wtf-is-going-on?? sort of moment. I found myself disappointed when I realized it was just the hurricane, and not some huge meteor or alien invasion.

this one was this morning on the way to work and the inspiration to the blog:
what I saw: "WE INSTALL FECES"
what it said: "WE INSTALL FENCES"

Nothing super interesting about that one. Just gross.

lastly, this one was while driving around somewhere:
what I saw: "Libertarian Church of the Incantation"
what it said: "Lutheran Church of the Incarnation"

Which I just find funny. A church of spell-casters that believes in free will and personal liberty.

Dreamscape

2005-07-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've always had crazy nightmares, ever since I can remember. In fact, I don't remember any "normal" dreams good or bad. As a small child I never seemed to have dreams about playing on the playground, no I had dreams about being tortured by various lengths of strings that emitted different tones. I had continual nightmares about vampires when I was in a bad place personally around 18/19 years old. This past nightmare was one for the books (it's a little abbreviated since it has been most of a day since I woke up):

I parked the car, and walked up to the office door. It was a sunny day, and everything seemed kind of whitewashed. The door chimed as I opened it. Immediately I was sitting in the dentists office. He began to explain the upcoming surgery that I was completely unaware of only moments ago.
"First we're going to take a hammer and chisel and break your tooth along these two fissures," the dentist began. He conjured a 3d image of a tooth getting hit by a hammer.
"Now, we can either knock you out completely, or you can go without anesthetic. That is totally up to you."
I started to panic, sitting down in the dentist chair that reclines. I did some meditation and breathing techniques to calm down. Now in my dream I was panicking because general anesthesia scares me more than death. Don't ask, it's retarded and it's a phobia. After some time, I could feel myself drifting off to sleep in that chair. Suddenly I know I'm dreaming. This thought completely calms me since I can wake up and leave this behind.
Before I can wake the dentist grabs me by the collar leans close and says, "Oh no, you're not going anywhere." And just like that I'm back in the dream, and I can't wake up. The dentist drags me into another room, each time I try to wake up I can feel him grab me in some bizarre non-physical way and slam me back into the dream. He forces me to sit down in a chair at a table.
A nurse struts over to me and uses restraints that are suddenly part of the chair to keep me seated with my right arm out on the table, immoble. She laughs rather maniacally as she walks over to a medical supply station. She comes back with a very large syringe filled with a murky liquid. The nurse grins as she stabs the syringe into my arm.
Almost immediately my arm leaks a strange purple jelly which she smooths into my skin. She nods and hands the dentist a scalpel. He grabs it, sits down and cuts into my arm. It hurts like a son of a bitch. The dentist stands up, "What the hell is this?" He shouts at the nurse. The nurse begins to laugh.
At this point I realize that the syringe didn't have a local anesthetic in it, and God knows what it DID have. I also realize that the dentist is surprised by this, and that I was wanted by several organizations. I had to leave.
Thankfully the restraints dissappeared and I was able to leave quickly. I got into my car that was now a miniaturized Formula-One car. A quick car chase ensued until I crashed in an empty field. I was suddenly confronted by a creature that was half tree half man. It's face was a wooden mask, no nose, just two holes where eyes would be and a hole for the mouth. As soon as the fight began, I woke up.

After I managed to wake up, I could feel that I had an adrenaline rush, and my pulse was going like I'd been running. The thing that is difficult to convey is that I knew that I was dreaming but couldn't wake up, and had to keep playing along with the dream. Anyway, it was freaky, and I'm really hoping for some normality this evening!

Potter Powers Activate!

2005-07-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

Form of: a dollar sign! Or I suppose it would be far more appropriate as a pound sign. So like millions of other freaks I bought the new Harry Potter book and had it read before the sun set on the weekend. I would have finished it sooner, but it's Amanda's birthday so we've been celebrating that joyous occasion, and I've been doing homework. Well, actually homework be damned, the book came first.

I read in an article that Rowling is now worth (pinky to side of mouth) one billion dollars! One freaking billion dollars for writing 6 books. Oh sure, that's excluding proceeds from movies, books on tape, en espanol, guest appearances, Every Flavor Beans, etc. But still just for writing 6 books. The rest of that would not have happened if not for the books.

For the mathematically retarded population, that's 167 million dollars per book. Tough to get an accurate estimate on pages, but something close to 3000 pages. So roughly $55,500 per freaking PAGE. It eventually breaks down to something like $250 per word.

I am in the wrong field. That's for damn sure. At that rate this blog is currently worth: $50,000.

From what I can tell, she hit that mark somewhere in year 2004. I'm sure this next round of income will increase dramatically. After millions of fans fall upon The Half Blood Prince like ravenous creatures denied a meal for many days. I know I had to beat some poor kid over the head with my copy to keep him from gnawing at my leg. Thats one advantage of reading these books at 27. You're a lot bigger than the 13 year olds. Not only this book but there's another movie coming out later this year.

Current blog worth: $74,750.

And I know that it's not about the money, it's about the art. Yeah. Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. I defy you to sit there and say screw that $167e8 paycheck, I just want the art I create to be a betterment to the community. Or some other kinda crap. Anyway, it does kind of make one want to pull out the old assortment of short stories and writings from the old college years.

Current blog worth: $94,000.

And of course, that's only if you're as successful as this series has been. But what if you're not? What if you're only half as good. Or one tenth. Or one thousandth. That's still more money than I'll make, that's for sure.

Current blog worth: $105,500.

So now I'm back to waiting. Waiting until the final installment comes. Sometime in like 2008 or something horrible like that. I'll have to be content with watching the movies as they come out, and being continually relieved that it wasn't an all American cast. Which is such a terrifying line of thought that I must sign off now, or risk permanent damage.

Total blog worth: $122,250.

Random Thoughts I

2005-07-14T13:21:00.000-05:00

1) So, when did 7.5 FEET of water constitute "light flooding"? Seems to me that if you have to be evacuated from your Atlanta-area home by freaking boat, that it would net more than just "light flooding"

2) Robot Chicken is awesome.

3) My final exam this semester got changed to a project. That rocks. Give me a project any day. I hate written tests.

4) My cat, Loki, wakes us up about 15 minutes before our alarm goes off. My question is, how does she know when we have set the alarm for if its a different time every morning? Creepy.

5) Please, for the love of God, stop Americanizing British shows. It just doesn't work. I recently saw a commercial for the American version of The Office. I remember what they did to Coupling. Please please stop.

6) And to continue a theme: Box office revenues are down. They claim piracy. I can sum it up in 4 words: Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo. Some movies just shouldn't have sequels.

7) Some movies should come with warning labels. For instance, you should never watch Office Space when you are both working with computers and disgruntled at work. It makes you entirely too cavalier about things.

8) I think thats all I think for now.

Mr. Foot, meet Mr. Mouth

2005-07-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel today. I'm on a business trip. The kind that really suck. Nothing works. The kind of trip that if a meteor fell on me it would be "well, that sucked. But at least I don't have to work on this fscking project anymore". And I'm trying not to take it out on the random shop clerks and waiters that I run into that evening.

So I kinda put myself on auto pilot so I can stew. Where outwardly I'm being all pleasant but secretly thinking dark thoughts. I'm only vaguely aware of things that are going on around me. I decide that a good book might get my mind off of things so I stop in the local B&N.

I grab a book, and head up to the counter. The girl behind the cash register asks me how my day is going. Now normally you just say "fine" or "great" regardless of if you've just won $10 million, or if you've had a stray dog poop on your shoe and then eat your foot. But fuck that, I'd had a miserable fucking day, so I wasn't going to lie. I said "Ungh, long day at work I guess". She looks at me and says "yeah, well, at least yours is over with."

Oops, now I've accidentally pissed her off. Keep in mind I'm sort of on auto pilot, not really thinking about what I'm doing, and I'm trying to be pleasant. I over compensate. She hands me the bag and my receipt. And I can feel myself talking, while the rest of me catches up, like a slow-motion scene where there's someone diving, hand outreached, yelling "Noooooooooo". Like the left side of my brain finally realizes what the right side is doing and tries to stop it. Too late. I'm actually saying the words. I say, "Well, I hope you get off sometime tonight." Eaagh! I really just said that didn't I. I pause, horrified at the unintended double entendre. She looks at me funny. I leave. Beating a hasty retreat to a place where I won't have to talk to people, since I clearly should not be allowed in public.

epiphany

2005-07-11T21:28:00.000-05:00

Have you every really wondered how the brain works? You've got this subconscious that is frightfully smart, but really flighty. Like some strange genius hermit that lives deep in the woods and will periodically show up and say something profound, and highly out of context.

But how does your subconscious decide what it's going to mull over? I mean if you are up all night doing homework or trying to work out some problem, chances are if you go do bed you wake up in the morning with an "oh duh" moment. Problem solved. So what happens when you aren't really mulling anything over, and your subconscious is left to just idle?

Mine apparently just wastes time. Follow me, if you will, if you dare...

So I was walking back to my office from the lab. I was having a some trouble that day, and so here is approximately what I was thinking: "...how the hell can only part of that file be in the wrong byte order? Oh, of course, in the movie Underworld, they called them Lycans because its short for lycanthrope." It struck me like a hammer blow. I think I may have honestly said "huh?". I was distracted enough I almost ran into the girl who sits in the cubicle across from my office as she walked down the hall. I also imagine that you're as confused as I was. I mean, I liked the movie, but its been quite some time since I'd seen it, so wtf was my brain thinking? (And I'd never seen it written down, just spoken. It sounds like "liken". I figured okay, whatever, they're just trying to be unique and using their own words.) Apparently it bothered my subconscious enough to the point where it was going to figure it out, dammit, no matter what.

The gist is, what is that master process? WHAT is in your brain that decides "and now for something completely different"? I think I'm scared of mine.

Irregardless, I'm fixin to warsh that mute point

2005-07-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

I have to take a break from my midterms to point out something: moot points. They're freaking moot points. Not mute points. A mute point is a completely weird idea, something like a sharp end made from people who can't talk, or a concept that has no volume. The latest book I read actually used the phrase, and it reminded me of the fact that so many people I know refer to them as mute points. Not that I'm free from verbal gaffs, no no, far from it.

It took me quite a while to remove some of the Kansas-hick pronunciations I grew up with. Namely "warsh". I also couldn't say "root" or "roof" properly, now I can. Although, my sweetie tells me I can't say "measure" correctly, but every time I say it, it sounds exactly like the way she says it, but not to anyone but me. And of course, 9 years in Atlanta, I have picked up the dreaded "fixin" and "y'all".

One verbal habit I've had to recently stop is using the word irregardless. Basically because irregardless is not a word. And I take more than enough crap from co-workers to give them this bit of ammunition.

Then again, I still can't spell.

Home that way

2005-06-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

I have a problem. I am directionally challenged. More specifically, I tend to get lost if I venture down streets I've never been down before. Thus I usually stick to the route I use most often. Tonight, that route was clogged with traffic. Epic traffic. The kind of traffic that songs are made about. So I did what I told myself I would never do, I turned down a different road. And for the first time, actually made it home.

My problem is either the direct result of, or exaserbated by, the fact that I live in Atlanta. The town with 32....32!!....streets containing the word "Peachtree". Also, no road is straight. I think there is a law on the books about how each street must have at least 3 major direction changes. There are several places where a road intersects itself. And even though I've lived here for nigh on a decade, I still can't seem to plot an alternative course. Back in my gaming, dorm living days, I once got lost in a Quake II CTF match...for 30 minutes. It was...embarassing in a geek sort of way.

Growing up in good ol' Overland Park, the roads actually made sense. Numbered roads would actually be parallel to other numbered roads. Not in an air-quote kind of way like they are here, but in the true mathematical spirit of the word. I new that if I was on 119th, and wanted to get to 95th, I could make a left turn and be there in no time. Here, though, such logic is simply punished. Lower Roswell "parallels" Old Canton, except that it doesn't. It's not like you can make a right from one and end up on another. Noooo, do that and you could end up in Gwinett, Hell or worse, Alabamistan.

I guess directionally challenged is not the best description because I have a general cave man ability. I usually know "Home that way". Which is what causes me all the problems. I know its to the north so I turn onto a northward running road, only that it suddenly turns and goes south. Atlanta just does that to you. You travel north through downtown. I75 goes on the western side of the city, I85 goes on the eastern side. Which is why I75 is on the RIGHT and I85 is on the LEFT.

But tonight, things change. I knew that "home that way"....so I went the other way. And here I am.

Fanboy

2005-06-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here basking in the bliss and rapture of my newly installed ceiling fan. It occurs to me that this device had to have been conceived with divine inspiration or favor. I mean whoever invented this has to be alright. If they were a Viking then warrior death or not I'm sure he's drinking mead in Valhalla. If they were Ancient Egyptian then they'd probably be made a minor diety or something after a thousand years. Cuz this thing rocks.

This is also the reason I could never EVER appear on Trading Spaces or the ilk. You know the show where some "designer" comes in and totally screws up your room, and you're supposed to say how much you love the Pepto-Bismol pink floors and the bowling balls glued to the walls. I couldn't do that show because they'd take my ceiling fan down and I wouldn't be pleasant. Ceiling fans are anathema to these people (as are fireplaces) for some unfathomable reason. Anyone who lives where it is a) hot and/or (especially and) b) humid who also gets to sign the check on the utility bill for air conditioning knows that a fan can make a huge difference.

So I'm going to just sit here and enjoy actually being comfortable in my obviously unchic room.